It’s My Monkey

“Libra: That which disturbs you interests you. Do you dare look into it? One small dose can start your immunity.” I knew exactly what it was referring to when I read my horoscope in the LA Times today. “Do I dare,” I questioned myself?

Well, one would hope. As my avoidance kicks in, I wonder at the scope of this project. I’ve been disturbed for a very long time, and mostly with myself. This would take a lot of introspection, and time. What about the return on investment, huh? Immunity starting with one small dose. Is it even possible to rid myself of those demons that stalk me starting with just one small dose?

I have put this off forever. I give it starts and stops of attention when it becomes overwhelming, but I’d really love to be cured and have immunity from this nihilating process. There are ever so many things that I do to negate myself. It’s evident in many of my behaviors and actions. One redeeming grace is that most people are worse off than me. We all have our shit. But I just want to live in another sphere where I can feel good about myself 99% of the time with the remaining 1% relegated to deserved negativity.

Why not? That was my catch phrase for 2017. It was kind of like the movie, “Yes Man,” where Jim Carrey could only say “yes,” and his life got magnificently better when he let himself out of the “No You Can’t” box. “Why not,” made 2017 a year of great change and enlightenment for me. Even though it did take the whole year to fully realize the impact, it was totally worth it.

Sadly, the next year we made a big move from Beverly Hills to the Central Coast and that made the whole of 2018 a physical and emotional nightmare. Still, my coping mechanisms remained the same. I’m too vain to tell you what they are, but you can probably guess anyway. Depending upon your state, I’m either better or worse off than you. And that’s your journey to travel. Not my monkey, not my circus.

Shit, then we had 2019 where we thought we might find respite only to be on the beginning tide of 2020 and the Covid 19 pandemic. I wonder if those years really happened or if it was a revolving door dream into nothingness. In all actuality, I was enamored of being at home cooking and writing without pressure to entertain or go out. I loved 90% of that and the other 10% was a nightmare of fears and loneliness. I am thankful it was just fear and loneliness for our family and we didn’t suffer through illness. I’m grateful every day still. Now it seems we’re waiting for a third or fourth wave, I can’t remember which right now. It’s all still a blur.

That’s the problem now. I’m a blur of self-doubt and remorse, for what, I don’t know. I’ve recently been able to change the dynamic to 60% feeling great and 40% negative self-doubting mindset. I was in pain a lot these past few years. I finally had a knee replacement this past May and my world has changed tremendously for the better just this past week. Hence, the 60/40 shift. Is that the one small dose do you think? Will that start the landslide into 99% self-acceptance? One can hope, so I will.

And I’ll take it a step further. What disturbs me has always interested me. That’s the way I work through life, facing one challenge and disturbing matter at a time. They come out in dreams and moments when I’m awake at night. I realize how to address issues and people and then in the morning, I will hopefully know if it’s made up stuff or for real. Every day is my “in real life” mode, and my mindset is malleable. It’s my monkey.

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