We seem to live all the same scenes in our lives, maybe trying to get beyond the troubled times, work them through? Nah, I’m stalling with this story, the preamble to what is important.
Norin looked at me skeptically, and asked again “What’s wrong? I see it in your face, something is wrong.” I thought for a quick second and knew he was right. It had been there all day and I wouldn’t let it surface. This morning, standing in my bathroom at the cabin, I wondered what the date was? The question left the moment I thought of the things I needed to do to prepare for our trip home tomorrow. It seems my life works that way, protections emanating from my soul. Or, the denial my mother taught me and the fact that I’m a Libra, evading any vestiges of conflict or unnecessary pain. Your garden variety neurotic all in all.
So, what I really want to say is that today, May 13, 2018, Sunday, Mother’s Day is 33 years to the date my mother died. The exact same day and date. I’m over the guilt of how I failed her that day for the most part, but it’s taken years. Funny how that stuff hangs on. Failures, the gift that keeps on giving in our minds, over and over. I still tangle with that feeling more often than I want to admit. Energy wasted while I could be feeling joy or fulfillment.
So, the real story here is the neurotic stab in the back, although realized, a stab nevertheless, is that today isn’t that date and day. That day and date was Mother’s Day last year! I needed something to wonder about, hurt myself, a bad habit I’m trying to beat, and I made it up. Is that the opposite of denial? I’m sure my mother taught me this trick, too, so there is payback.
On this Mothers Day 2018 I recognize my mother for the whole soul she is, the wisdom she gave me and my siblings, nurturing acceptance, failures, those sayings I murmur to this day, and my rebellious spark. No matter what anyone thinks of me, I know my own path and if I don’t know it right away, I’ll find it. Her gift to me that keeps on giving!