My Heart is Wide Open

Yes, I’m on everyone’s wrong side for the first time in my life. Reminds me of the John Lennon song, “Oh My Love” with perhaps the same sentiment, I’m not sure. It’s such an unusual space for me, being a natural truth and justice seeker, peacemaker, but the path seems clear for the first time in my life. You see, I’ve done a lot of things in my life out of necessity or what I believed other people needed and wanted from me.

Most of it was probably made up in my mind, communication being so hard and true intent unknown in most relationships. That’s when I was thinking it was about them – not me. My heart is the only one I can truly see and feel, although I’m sometimes psychic and can get in other beings’ psyches, my intent pure or biased is the only one I know for sure. All the rest is speculation, wasted time and energy.

I was wondering why people don’t really talk more, real talk, not chit chat? I really like resolving problems, not living in the what if’s or whatever’s. I’ve come out on the other side of problems most of my life. It takes experiencing the pain of answers when you haven’t been prepared to ask the questions. Things you know are there, have known for a while, but never really wanted to see. Answers no one wants to see or hear or feel but must be given their due, so we can move on.

A couple weeks ago I realized I was holding on to a pain so deep, shame untouched in my awareness, that clouded every part of my life. I let it come out finally, couldn’t really hold it back anymore. I’m still mourning and grieving, and I love it. I’m holding on to it, nurturing and healing this pain, not letting it scab over. It’s one of those wounds that needs to heal from the inside out. I keep pulling back the scab, knowing one day I will look and all there will be is a clear smooth scar. My jewelry of living for the first time in my life.

Being on everyone’s wrong side may only be my speculation, too. The only thing I really know is that I’m different now. That difference puts me in the position of taking care of myself, taking my power, asking questions, making statements, revealing my opinions, feelings so unfamiliar, misaligned with my past behaviors. I’m still afraid, still let that fear take over sometimes, but I’m different. I know how to do this, trust myself. I’m not afraid to start the conversation towards respectful resolution. I’ll ask the questions where no one wants to know the answers, too.

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